And Now Amanda Knox Is Back in her Fortress of a Home

By Jesse Jose

A Cup O' Kapeng Barako

S ometimes when I read the paper in the morning I'd skip the usual gloomy news about BHO's palpak economy that dominates the front page ... that I'd go straight to the comics section. 

It's a happier page.  And in the morning, I'd rather be happy than gloomy while sipping my cup of Kapeng Barako.

After reading the comics section (my two favorites are "Classic Peanuts" and "Family Circus," I'd read "Garfield," too. But, I think he's a moron of a cat. He reminds of somebody, who's also a moron and a fag.  Plus, I don't like cats. They give me the hibi-jibbies, know what I mean? 

Then I'd read my horoscope for the day and go to the "Hocus Focus," where you're asked to find at least six differences between two cartoon panels that were drawn within the section. It's a good exercise, I think, for a wannabe police reporter. Hard as I'd try, I could only find one, or two at the most, of the differences between the panels.

So, I suppose, I can never be a police reporter. Don't got the brains for it. I can only be a wannabe humorist/satirist, or a "joker," for short. "Dyoker," in Filipino. Same-same, I suppose.

And my prayer each day as a joker is this: "Give me a sense of humor, Lord.  The grace to see a joke and pass it on to others...."  I read that somewhere and I am plagiarizing those words for this column. All writers plagiarized. And any writer who would contest that, is ... a moron, too, and a plagiarist, and a LIAR, in the truest sense of the word. 

Anyway ...  in today's Hocus Focus, the two-paneled cartoons drawn there was of two middle-age couple -- a man and a woman.  The woman was by the front door, on her way out, off to work, I suppose, waving her hand to the man, vacuuming the carpet.  The man has a frown on his face.  I roared with laughter when I saw this.

MY BARBIE DOLL IS A WANNABE LAWYER: Well, it exactly depicted my situation at home. My wife off to work and me, staying at home to do the household chores. My wife is a mental-health counselor, but works as a social worker for the state of Washington. My wife, she's ambitious. She also wants to be a lawyer, a second profession she was pursuing when I first met her. She was teaching then at UST's College of Science in Manila. She gave up reading those thick law books when I started pursuing her. I was a good-looking, (ahem) distraction that she couldn't ignore. Now that I kind of slowed down in my pursuit of her and no longer a distraction, she has enrolled in law classes to, once again, pursue that ambition.  

Me, I am retired, fully retired, twice retired, from two jobs: from the U.S. military, as a Navy chief petty officer. And from the state of Florida, as a deputy sheriff.

But there's no rest for the wicked.  So, I still toil to earn my keep -- now as a house cleaner, gardener and errand boy. 

The best part of this three-layered job though is that I get paid in kind.  To be more specific, yeah, I get to sleep with the boss!  She becomes my luscious Barbie Doll at night, all night long.  So, on, I toil. 

On the side, well, as I said, I am a "joker."  I don't get paid for this either.  Because I only do it for fun ... and for the mental gymnastics to prevent the onset of Alzheimer's.  But foremost of all, for the laughter, for the laughable feedbacks that I get from my critics and detractors. 

But now and then, I'd get some gentle, kind words from some of my readers.  It's a mean world out there, you see.  Gentleness and kindness of words are rare things handed to me.  Well, I guess, you reap what you sow.  For I can truly be obnoxious.  As I said many a times in my previous writings, I tell it like it is, obnoxious or not.  Paraphrasing that Filipino saying: Batu-batu sa langit, tamaan ka sana at magalit.  Yeah, that fits many of my postings and writings. 

KIND WORDS OF SALVAHEY2: Ironically, those rare and few, kind and gentle words that I've been getting lately come from a strange man with a strange pseudonym.  He calls himself: SALVAHEY2, which for Filipinos can be deduced to mean "cruel and mean."  He also said he's a "devil."  And he's in witchcraft, and in the wisdom of witchery and idolatry. And that his idol is Lucifer  Perhaps, he's witch. I dunno. What I know is that his emails to me and his writings are lucid and erudite. And, I think, he's a highly-intelligent, well-informed and well-educated ... devil or witch, or whatever. He intrigues me. I've never dined with a devil before, so I invited him here in Seattle for dinner. Now and then, after reading my postings and writings, he would email me with kind words and advices.  I'll quote a couple:

"Hello JJ ... 'If you want to stand out, don't be different; be outstanding.' --Meredith West.  I stumbled on that quotation.  Wish we could all learn from it.  There's no doubt in my mind that you are different (unique in style and in form) from many opinion-makers.

The quote above requires us not only to be different, but also to be outstanding (in substance).  Substance, however, doesn't have to be extracted from a detective-like manner of investigation that (...) is espousing.  After all, you are not employed as a police beat reporter.... (Signed) Eternally, Salvahey 'to."

Here's another one.  In one of my postings, I wrote something about my Kapeng Barako way of writing and its "distinct taste."  Salvahey2 came back with this response:

"It's that distinct taste that makes you unique.  That's a feat hard to follow by anyone else, even by seasoned copycats.  Never give up your heart's desire, follow where it leads you.  That's what we may call a human passion that is hard to resist.  That passion either drives a person to the very top or at some times, makes him/her crazy.  My feeling is that it is a person's natural trait.  It's not made by circumstances or conditions in life.

I will always bear in mind that you have an open invitation to a dinner in Seattle -- the land of the crabs, not human crabs that we know about certain people.  I hope my stay then in Seattle will not be a Sleepless one but restive and wonderful.  Good night.  (Signed) Eternally, Salvahey2."

Yeah, I think he's metaphor. A metaphor I'd like to meet one day. 

And, I really don't know how I ended up quoting his emails.  It's probably because when I write my column, I write without a plan and without a goal and just let my mind wander.  And whatever comes to mind becomes my rambling column for the week.   

A GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE: Now ... since I meant to be humorous in this column, let me quote then, Dear Readers, what another friend sent me. His name is Gerry Garrison.  He's a white dude, but a wannabe Filipino.  He's married to a Filipina. Like me, he's also a retired U.S. Navy chief. He's a deeply-religious Catholic man. He was a former Grand Knight of our Holy Family Catholic here in Auburn, Washington and the "go-to" guy of the San Lorenzo Ruiz Choir of our church. He's also a Eucharistic Minister. He's an active, visible volunteer of our church and a fellow member of the VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) Post 1741 of our town.  

In other words, Gerry is a good man and a good buddy of mine, I am proud to say.  He sent me this joke, aptly titled, "A good Catholic joke":

The Pope and President Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned toward Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd wild with joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that!  With one little wave of your hand ... Show me!" 

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!  And the crowd roared and cheered wildly!

Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

LOL ...  Well, folks, I really need to do my chores now and run my errands for the boss. Otherwise, I'll be outside the kulambo tonight.  So, that's all.  JJ

PS: Just a quick note: Here in Seattle and perhaps all over America, too, the news yesterday was centered on the homecoming of Amanda Knox from a prison in Perugia, Italy. It was a celebration for us here. Y'all know her story, right? She was convicted of murder based on flimsy and tainted DNA evidence, which brought to light the incompetence of the Italian police ... and the arcane and medieval judicial system of the Italian courts. Like Chicago, Italy is a nice place to visit, but you won't wanna live there. I've seen Chicago. I've seen Italy. I was stationed in Naples, Italy, for a year while I was in the Navy. Come and see Seattle and you'll see what I mean. Okey ngarud. Talk to y'all later. # # #